Saturday, 6 October 2012

Snacks Between Meals: Only in Canada, Eh

This is an actual ongoing story in our Canadian news cycle. Recently, there was a heist  where criminals stole 119,000 litres - 16 thousand barrels - of a highly addictive substance known to be produced abundantly in the province of Quebec.  It's street value is estimated at $20 million.

It was maple syrup.

I can only imagine that the culprits plan to push the substance onto unsuspecting school-children, giving them their first taste for free but charging them increasingly more for each subsequent "hit".  As health risks go, maple syrup is relatively benign (compared to, say, cigarettes or the Atkins Diet), but it is a gateway substance that can quickly lead to dependencies on things like Pixy Sticks and Lik-a-Stix.

Truly, there is nothing sadder than a pre-schooler strung out on a deadly addiction to Hawaiian Punch and marshmallow Peeps.

It's not just the fact that these surreptitious sap siphoners (see what I did there...that's how you make literature, kids!) thought they could move half a swimming pool's worth of pancake topping into the market without being noticed that I find bizarre.  No, it's where the liquid gold was stolen from that really makes this story perfect.

The barrels of Aunt Jemima's best were taken from the provinces's global strategic maple syrup reserve

Most governments worry about having oil reserves or secret vaults of gold or emergency stashes of antibiotics.  In Canada?  The United Nations might fall and international trade unions may collapse, but the International House of Pancakes knows that Quebec has got its back.

I love this country.

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